A Letter to the Man I Left

I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry that I changed, that my mind and heart changed. I'm not me without you. You have defined me for the past four years. It's scary as hell trying to redefine myself now.

But I have to.

I know you better than anyone. I know you hate peas and mayonnaise and I know you hate it when your friends don't answer your texts and I know you hate the way your parents are sometimes. And I know you love to hunt and fish and I know you love your friends and I know that you love when you're right about something.

And I know that you love me. Maybe at this point you hate me too. I'm so sorry for that- for making your whole life change. I tried. I did, I swear I did. My brother is mad at me, says I shouldn't have led you on . But I was trying to save us. I- no one really- ever thought we'd end up this way. I really thought if I just worked at it, just a little harder, a little longer... I thought I could fix us. I don't fail... but I did. I failed you and us and love.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. As much as I know about you, you know about me. I hate that I can't send you a text when something crappy or exciting or... whatever happens. I want nothing more than to have my best friend back.

But you need to move on. I know that. And somewhere inside, you know that. You have so much love to give and somewhere out there is a girl who can give you more than you ever dreamed possible. I'm not her. I can't love you like you deserve.

It may sound cliché, but you will own a piece of my heart forever. You will be with me every day. I'm just sorry I can't give you my whole heart.

I hope you've made it to this point, even if you're just curious to know what other stupid things I could possibly have to say. I know I should say all of this to your face. I know. But if you know me like I think you do, you know I can't.

I wish you peace and success and love and, most of all, I wish you  happiness. I hope your life turns out to be amazing and that one day, you will understand why this is better for you. That one day, you will understand and you will be happy and thankful that we didn't work out.

For right now, though, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I caused you pain. I'm sorry I wasted your time, and dashed the hopes and dreams you built with me in them. But I am a better person for knowing you, and I hope one day you will feel the same way.

I will always love you. Remember that- I always loved you.

Kourtney scribbled at 4:08 pm