I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry that I changed, that my mind and heart changed. I'm not me without you. You have defined me for the past four years. It's scary as hell trying to redefine myself now.

But I have to.

I know you better than anyone. I know you hate peas and mayonnaise and I know you hate it when your friends don't answer your texts and I know you hate the way your parents are sometimes. And I know you love to hunt and fish and I know you love your friends and I know that you love when you're right about something.

And I know that you love me. Maybe at this point you hate me too. I'm so sorry for that- for making your whole life change. I tried. I did, I swear I did. My brother is mad at me, says I shouldn't have led you on . But I was trying to save us. I- no one really- ever thought we'd end up this way. I really thought if I just worked at it, just a little harder, a little longer... I thought I could fix us. I don't fail... but I did. I failed you and us and love.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. As much as I know about you, you know about me. I hate that I can't send you a text when something crappy or exciting or... whatever happens. I want nothing more than to have my best friend back.

But you need to move on. I know that. And somewhere inside, you know that. You have so much love to give and somewhere out there is a girl who can give you more than you ever dreamed possible. I'm not her. I can't love you like you deserve.

It may sound cliché, but you will own a piece of my heart forever. You will be with me every day. I'm just sorry I can't give you my whole heart.

I hope you've made it to this point, even if you're just curious to know what other stupid things I could possibly have to say. I know I should say all of this to your face. I know. But if you know me like I think you do, you know I can't.

I wish you peace and success and love and, most of all, I wish you  happiness. I hope your life turns out to be amazing and that one day, you will understand why this is better for you. That one day, you will understand and you will be happy and thankful that we didn't work out.

For right now, though, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I caused you pain. I'm sorry I wasted your time, and dashed the hopes and dreams you built with me in them. But I am a better person for knowing you, and I hope one day you will feel the same way.

I will always love you. Remember that- I always loved you.

Kourtney scribbled at 4:08 pm

Today is my birthday. Woo! I'm gifting myself with a new cell phone (only because, strangely enough, my upgrade date landed on my birthday. I'm taking it as a sign.).

Birthdays used to be so exciting. I used to count down months in advance, and couldn't believe just how long that last week took to pass. Now I almost forget that they're coming up (almost).

I love watching my nephew wait in anticipation of his birthday in May. May 1st comes along and he's asking every day, "How many more days until my day?" His birthday is on the 21st, so this goes on for 3 weeks before anything happens. But the day before is the best- almost better than his actual birthday. You can almost see the excitement bubbling up inside him. Cupcakes at school, presents at home- how does it get any better when you're 8 years old?

I felt much the same way waiting for my 21st. I had the entire weekend planned. And the month before dragged on and on. Why can't all of them be so exciting?

Oh well. For now, I'll enjoy my day of attention and relish in the fact that I still get carded at the gas station.

Kourtney scribbled at 12:58 am

In my mind, a legend left us yesterday.

I remember growing up watching Dirty Dancing over and over just to moon over Patrick Swayze and his riduculously amazing dance moves. Jennifer Grey was never good enough for him.

Ghost is another of my favorite movies, one I used to watch with my Grandma Rosie every time I stayed over. The clay, the penny, Unchained Melody...

You will be missed Patrick.

Kourtney scribbled at 3:05 pm

My dog is sitting in the corner, glaring at me for neglecting him and my schoolwork. I should be studying for chemistry, government, and nutrition... but I'm doing more constructive things with my time, like blogging.

Have you ever been stuck in line at a gas station behind someone making insane purchases of lottery? Scratchers, Powerball quick picks... you name it. The alluring thought of winning big must be what keeps these people going, because they don't stop.

As a clerk at a local convenience store (gotta love college jobs!), I see more than my fair share of this inane use of money in this economy. The man who buys a $1 Quick Pick every day, in the hopes of someday hitting those lucky numbers. Sometimes it's just for fun, like the two older ladies who came in to try their luck on their shared birthday- 09/09/09.

But sometimes, it's just a sheer waste of money. I've seen people win $100 on a ticket and walk away with $20 of the cash and $80 in scratchers. WTF?

If I had a choice between $100 cash or a few more tickets to scratch, I'd be on my way to another paid bill, a full tank of gas, or a birthday present for myself (the reminder that I'm getting old too fast is coming up).

I guess it's the nature of the beast, but I just don't understand.

Sure... a couple million dollars would be nice. What would you do with that much money? I know what I would do.

Pay off my student loans. Build my dad's dream house. Take my mom and sister on a shopping spree. Construct a mini sports arena so my nephew can play whatever he wants whenever he wants. Buy a real Coach purse. Buys books... lots and lots of books. Build my own house. Quit my job. Finish school. Invest.

And whatever else responsible people do with money.

But really- does anyone ever win those drawings? I've never met anyone who has. So I won't be running out to buy my very first lottery ticket in hopes of making those wishes come true.

I'll wait for my own personal genie to come rushing out of a bottle to do it for me.

Kourtney scribbled at 7:59 pm

The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read. -Abraham Lincoln

Books. Millions of books. Around the world, books are one of the things we as humans have in common.

Some people hate them. They didn't want to read them in school, and definitely don't want to read them for pleasure. Some people, on the other hand, love books. They love delving into an unknown world and making it their own.

I am one of those people.

As a little girl, I was always kind of left on the outside. I was shy, and my looks at the time didn't help (kids can be so cruel). So I read books. Big books, little books, new books, old books- I read all sorts. It didn't matter what the story was, as long as it took me away with it. No one sees the story exactly as the author did, or exactly as someone reading the same book does.

Which is why books are so wonderful. No matter how vivid and detailed a story may be, it's only laying the foundation for your imagination.

One of my all-time favorites is Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Jo was my favorite character, because, like me, she was intelligent, and a little different from those around her. Plus she was a writer. But I loved her more for the ways that she was not like me- fiesty and independent, never caring what others (except for the important ones-family) thought of her. It's definitely a must-read if you haven't already.

I could go on and on when it comes to books- let's make it simple and just say this: I'm a reader of all sorts. I loved Little Women and Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen). Frank L. Baum's original The Wizard of Oz was amazing. I own a copy of The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath because I couldn't put it down at Barnes & Noble.

But at the same time, I was addicted to J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter- I inhaled each and every book the morning it came out. I still re-read them from time to time. And I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I own Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. They sit on the top shelf of my overflowing bookcase and are well-worn from being read over and again.

Just for the record, I am on Team Edward.

Kourtney scribbled at 2:24 pm